Cesar

It had been two months and I still seemed to have the grin on my face for being the brand new dad of a beautiful baby boy.  One Tuesday morning at work I was probably once again E-mailing pictures of my little Nathaniel to all my friends as I did so often those first few months.  I had to let the world know that my baby was the most beautiful one around.

That morning at work I received a call from my wife Christy.  No "hello" or "good morning love" this time.  While she was crying, all she said was: "The baby stopped breathing, the ambulance and police are here, please come home."

I don't care what type of person you are, but anyone in their right mind would not want to ever receive a call like this.

"I'll be right there" I said as I hung up the phone and walked out without saying a word to my boss or supervisor.  At this point my boss, supervisor or job didn't matter... only Christy.  I say "only Christy" because when I hung up, I thought "Nathan is dead" and so I could only go home not to help my son, but to be there for my wife.

Getting out of the company where I worked, running towards my car, I kept asking God to help me deal with this.  I told him that I trusted him with the situation.  I promised him I would not become bitter.

As I was driving pretty fast on my way home from work that day, I came right behind a construction truck that was going very, very slow (their son was obviously breathing fine).  This might not be a big deal to many, but the problem is that the whole way from my work to my home is a no-passing zone because of all the hills and turns.  I waited for a while for a long enough spot to pass, but finally I became desperate, trying to get by as soon as I could.  This is when God (Prince of Peace) started to intervene in my heart.

I really don't know how this can be humanly explained, but God just gave me a peace that truly went beyond my own understanding.  And it is still beyond my own understanding.      "Peace I leave with you, my Peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14 v. 27

Right there in my car, knowing that my son had died, knowing that my wife needed me there as soon as possible, remembering myself with Nathan smiling in my arms at the same time as I imagining myself crying at his funeral, God just let me know that whatever the outcome, He was in control. I knew I was supposed to trust God in life but in this instance I had to trust him.  I had already asked for God's will, thinking about Christy and Nathan, but He showed me there that his will is always for me to surrender all things and trust in Him.  You see, I was behind the big slow truck unable to pass around it, but God had been at my home with Christy all along.

I always had a certainty that my son's life had a big purpose. I was always sure that God had a great plan for his life. But at that moment, God let me know something. Just like with his own Son, not only his life, but his death was also in God's hands and he can use that for an incredible purpose too.

When Christy rang me at work, she basically said what I mentioned above and nothing else because of the state of her emotions.  She did not tell me that Nathan was breathing a little bit again in the ambulance.  So when I was in the car, knowing only what I had heard, little Nathan had already died in my mind and God used that to strengthen my faith.  I really thought he was dead and I was going home mostly to be there for my wife.  I know God did a supernatural thing when I was able to say to God that I would love him and praise him whether I saw Nathan's eyes again or not.  God gave me the strength to deal with my son's death even when He had already provided a way out that I didn't know about.  God used Nathaniel's death to make me strong and increase my faith.

On that day, the greater miracle was done in my heart and not so much in Nathan, even though I do believe God was the one who protected him.  I say this, because it is harder to revive a spiritual heart than it is a flesh one.  So when we allow God to revive our spiritual hearts, then a more joyful thing has happened.  I had to choose to surrender to God and trust in him for him to revive my heart.  Nathan's flesh heart was already in God's hands anyways.

The Lord protected Nathan, and no harm came to him at all because of this incident.  His brain, his heart and all organs were kept perfect.  Now he is grown to be one year old, and he is as healthy and strong as a baby can be.

I know it was all God's works on that day, and to him I give the glory because it is not in our human nature to be calm and peaceful in such situation.  Our God is good and he always sees beyond the big slow truck in front of you.  When you surrender your heart to him, he gives you such peace as if you had already received an answer to your prayers, even when you have not seen it come to pass yet.  He's already there, in front of the truck, at the place you want to go, and the greater miracle he wants to see is the transformation of your heart on the way there.

We have given him our son and he chose to give him back to us once again.  If God had not given him back to us, I would still tell you that he's a good God and we can always trust him.  Nathan is still with us but he is still God's, so I am just waiting to see how God uses him more and more. 

Look up and know that God is faithful and his peace is available to you.